Sanitary Insanity
Today I sat and watched with amusement as one of my coworkers meticulously disinfected her workstation with alcohol and then effectively bathed in ethanol hand sanitizer. Having successfully neutralized the danger, she resumed working, only to repeat the ritual a few hours later. I observed all of this from my comparatively unsterilized desk and wondered how we as a civilization have arrived at this age of hyper-hygiene. We live in a generation of HEPA filters and anti-bacterial soaps; an era of air purifiers and moist towelettes. And yet, somehow I must have missed a day of orientation- I find myself largely removed from the rampant germophobia that seems to plague so many of the people around me. I’ve never been disturbed by touching door knobs or using public restrooms. I never grimace when I handle money and I am a strong supporter of the controversial “five second rule.” When I compare myself to all those hand scrubbing, disinfecting worriers out there, I can’t help but wonder- how can exposure to germs be considered a legitimate threat when I so flagrantly ignore it with no consequences? Doesn’t my very survival discount the phobias of the super-sanitary?
I must admit I find it very tempting to dismiss the fears of the germophobes as OCD and fanaticism. They are after all going out of their ways to avoid an enemy that, from my perspective, is mostly harmless. I’ll never forget the first time I was reprimanded for touching a bathroom door handle. As I reached for the door, the man behind me gasped as if I’d kicked a puppy. “Do you have any idea how many people touch that handle every day?” he hissed. Caught off guard I answered back, “Um… all of them?” I watched with a mix of bemusement and bewilderment as he fashioned a makeshift glove out of paper towels and flung the door open, escaping germ free. Now I’ve since learned that this little bathroom-ballet is not an uncommon sight, but I simply don’t understand the point. Are doorknobs not intended to be operated by hand? I’ve been opening bathroom doors my whole life and so far I haven’t dropped dead or burst into flames. Similarly, public phones, restaurants, and computers have never seemed like serious threats to my health. I have a hard time understanding those who are constantly examining their silverware or making repeated trips to the soap dispenser. Hygiene and health consciousness are great, but what is the dreadful consequence we seem to expect if we let down our germ guard? Has anyone ever died from eating a cookie that fell on the kitchen floor? Are constant alcohol hand baths the secret to eternal health? Or has the ideal of cleanliness been taken to an illogical extreme? After all, by definition, a phobia is an irrational or illogical fear. The problem then is not so much an external threat to our immune system as it is a psychological condition in the neat freaks of the world, or as I like to refer to them: “insanitizers” (copyright pending).
Although I’m convinced that as a society we’ve become overly fearful of germs, I do not for a minute deny that there exist bacteria and germs that should be avoided. I’m not advocating eating undercooked pork or blowing your nose on your sleeve. Clearly any responsible adult should take caution to avoid sickness and live hygienically. I do, however suggest that there is wide spectrum of “germs” (with “salmonella” at one extreme and “cooties” on the other) and for our own sanity we need to be able to tell the difference. In fact some doctors even hypothesize we’ve gone too far and have become so hygienic that our immune systems get underdeveloped. We shield ourselves and our kids from encountering everyday germs so our bodies never learn how to fight them. If you ask me, letting kids play in the dirt and spread around a few schoolyard germs is like immunity boot camp-we’ve got to toughen them up for whatever might come around later in life. Otherwise I fear we may be disinfecting ourselves to death-stripping away natural defenses that took ages to develop. It’s a small wonder that young children always loathe being bathed. On an instinctual level, they must realize we’re undoing generations of immunity evolution with every scrub of the loofa. Charles Darwin would be horrified.
Whether or not we agree that the insanitizers of the world are weakening our collective defenses, it seems clear that their efforts are at best an extraordinary waste of time. Heaven knows there are enough things to be afraid of in this day and age without worrying about how sterile our computer keyboards are. And to those who remain unconvinced, I offer myself: my own strapping health as clinical proof that there is nothing to worry about. I give you permission to think of me as a twenty-three year science experiment whose results just came in. I’m alive and well! So put down the ethanol, turn off the air purifiers and for once, don’t worry about where anything has been. Take a deep breath, try a five-second cookie, and don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty-literally. Think of the money you’ll save on Lysol and hand sanitizer and just remember: If those doctors’ theory turns out to be right, I could have just saved your life. You’re welcome.